Added: Rodrigo Eldred - Date: 02.01.2022 11:37 - Views: 23647 - Clicks: 512
Learn how t hese innate relationship patterns workand how to navigate them so you can get your relationship back on track. There are two types of relationship pattern that affect all relationships: the positive bonding pattern and the negative bonding pattern. You love each other. You are great friends. And you have plenty of understanding and patience for each other. You might even be proud that you rarely, if ever, argue. Or if you do argue, you are both apologetic soon afterwards and things quickly return to the status quo.
The feelings that are generated are positive — in that each person feels secure, cared for, loved. Of course we are. An unconscious relationship pattern forms — the positive bonding pattern — where in order for us to continue feeling cared for by our partner, we suppress the feelings and responses that might rock the boat. This is all unsaid. So we suppress our vulnerability about this and keep the pattern going. We continue to suppress any incompatible thoughts or feelings and we entrust our partner to continue caring for our vulnerability.
When these patterns become the default position in a relationship, they keep you stuck in habitual ways of expressing yourself in your relationship, until over time you lose the ability to access other parts of yourself, and to care for yourself.
They require each person in the relationship to play particular roles and to give up other roles. And when a positive bonding pattern has dominated a relationship for a long time, it inevitably turns into what is called a negative bonding pattern. When a positive bonding pattern turns sour the relationship pattern turns into a negative one.
And because most of us want to avoid a negative bonding pattern — which can range from a fairly benign argument to deciding your relationship is over — we tend to keep our positive bonding patterns going for as long as is possible.
My ebook Which Self Are You? And then when your partner is caring for your inner child, he becomes the Responsible Father to your inner Needy Daughter such as him making sure the car is serviced and insurance paid for.
In short, you become less of yourself. You lose contact with the parts of yourself that you have suppressed in order to keep the bonding pattern working. You suppress your feelings, which causes all sorts of problems such as anxiety, passive-aggressive behaviour, physical tension, and even ill health. The positive bonding pattern keeps you tied to an unwritten contract in which you are only allowed particular kinds of responses.
If, however, you reacted honestly to your partner then you might have to react negatively at times.
For example, not being happy with how the car was serviced or with the way your partner washes dishes, or with your partner forgetting something important to you. Your underlying vulnerability that maybe if you did respond honestly to your partner they might not accept your feelings as valid, stops you from doing so, and consequently you let things go and keep those feelings suppressed. In fact, one of the major problems people have in long-term relationships is the loss of sexuality in the relationship — the positive bonding pattern is the main reason this happens. A fulfilling adult-to-adult love life requires that you both have access to other energies, much like you probably had when you first met and there were no strong bonding patterns formed yet.
The stronger the positive bonding pattern, the stronger the negative bonding pattern which might and usually does, eventually follow. And this buried stuff, when it finally erupts, becomes the ammunition and fuel for a world war 10 type negative bonding pattern. See my post on negative bonding patterns. Read this post for a detailed explanation of how bonding patterns form and for examples of how they affect relationships.
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Recommended by relationship counsellors and psychologists, The Perfect Relationship gives you the essential steps for making a relationship work over the long term. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Share Tweet LinkedIn. Let me explain: There are two types of relationship pattern that affect all relationships: the positive bonding pattern and the negative bonding pattern. Negative Bonding Patterns When a positive bonding pattern turns sour the relationship pattern turns into a negative one.
Below are some examples of how positive bonding patterns adversely affect relationships. The passion and sexuality in your relationship will diminish. But when you first become aware you are in one, try to identify which parts of you have become dominant in your relationship and then work on reclaiming the opposite or disowned parts.
My ebook The Greatest Relationship Secret explains how we have both primary and disowned selves, and gives examples of couples in bonding patterns which you will likely relate to. Learn to recognise and take care of your own vulnerability — what do you feel vulnerable about in your relationship and in your life in general?
Develop a conscious relationship with those feelings and do something about caring for them yourself. If you have a reaction to your partner, honour it. Express it or at least recognise it in yourself and validate it. For example, your inner child might like that your partner takes care of her in some way but your capable, self-sufficient self will feel stifled by that same behaviour. Talk to each other about your feelings.
Try to love and care for your partner with conscious intention — with awareness about what you are doing and also with awareness about your other, maybe contradictory, feelings. Try to be aware of when it feels right to be caring and loving and also when you feel you need time on your own, or space to do something for yourself. Please Share!. November 5, Are you feeling stuck? Thinking negatively?Has your relationship lost its spark
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